sindiego

My Life Is Ruined...

2006-04-02T02:23:01Z

Well at least not till Monday,when the work week starts back up.
All because some asshole stole my car that set off a train of events that sent my ass into a downward spiral of failures,one after another.
You see I need a car for work (to drive from different worksites and also for my personal life as well) and when someone stole it it put stress on me to find an alternate,at first I used my brother's car but it didn't have a good shelf life because it was messed up when he let me use it :( then my mom let me use hers...but she knows nothing about car maintenance so the car was already on its last legs when she gave me the keys.
So both cars broke and I am assed-out with no help AT ALL,with no car means I can't really work which means I'll get fired (first time) then have no money for rent (I'll be homeless)...life just sucks.

That's just my job situation and as far as family life...my mom and dad keep hounding me for money and thats understandable but not when its money that wasn't even used!
So I'm catching shit from them all the time and I don't even live with them anymore!!

Now as far as my personal life,I have been "single" for a few years now...its kinda by choice but mostly by circumstance.
A few months ago a old friend and I "got together" to make our fams happy but I couldn't keep acting knowing good and well that it wouldn't last and I'm not an actor.
Also during this time a girl was trying hard to break away from her ex-man and I seedmed to be her escape but while she thought everything was good she didn't know that I hate seeing people in need and I helped her but she got a lil clingy and I don't like that (hence,why I'm single) so when I tell her bout my "girlfriend" she keeps asking questions and she's not getting that we AREN'T together but at the same time we are and I can't get with her because that will cause tension so I try to make her a friend and she then goes off and tries to give me a choice...EASY CALL,I'd rather be alone...I've been by myself for so long that I have become self sufficient and I'll be "fine".
She also promises thing but when its crunch time she faulters and I'm stuck,but whenever she needed help...I NEVER MISSED,and thats big with me.

I now am on my grind trying to stretch $20 over the course of a week and that is impossible,so I get depressed and people are starting to notice a change in my character because I don't smile anymore and I don't go to my usual spots...I just stay inside and try to not think about what tomorrow may bring...and thats not how I wanna live.

I also got this other girl that really wanted to be my REAL girlfriend and I thought she was cool...but she caught me at a bad time and I kinda messed that up by telling her to forget about me and move on...and when I did that she changed up her whole Myspace and dedicated some stuff to me...I just can't love no one till I love myself and get over my trust issues...easier said then done,huh?

I'm just going through a lot of dumb shit and its always darkest before sunrise right...right?
No one said that my night was supposed to last for so long...damn it man,I'm done with this shit
Bye

sindiego @ 2006-02-13T00:54:00

2006-02-13T09:14:24Z

...real talk today I got asked a question that made me think,my homeboy asked me how many "real" relationships I've been in and I said none.
Now thats not the big deal,I was caught off guard when he asked if I had trust issues and I said yes...and I had my heart broke when I was madd young and since then I just don't trust anyone (*fully)...then they asked why and I caught a flashback and I got quiet...and I stayed that way.
Then they asked about this one girl that is on my tip and it just looks bad cuz she and I will never happen and this girl wants to buy me stuff and it looks really bad on my part cuz I in a way enjoy the drive she has BUT she tries too hard.
I just don't wanna hurt her cuz I have a "bleeding heart" because I was abused as a child so I relate to people on a personal level easier than most...but damn!
Life has been a seesaw of BS and stress for the past few months from dealing with my fam to my personal life...I'm no punk but there are times that depression hits me and when it does some folk get worried about me due to my past...but thats stuff that I would like to remain personal...
Now my friends are starting to peck at my defensive mechanisms that keep me "normal" and they may not know it but some shit really hurts and I try to hide it best I can...it doesn't always work though,anyway I'm trying to better myself so I'm not 'ugly','fat',or anything else they may say sarcasticly to me...I take everything you say about my appearence to heart...fuck this,I just wanted to get this shit outta my head.
L8r on...

Another fucked up day in the neighborhood...

2006-01-16T09:00:03Z

Let me start this off right...AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Whew,now that I got that off my chest let me say this;don't EVER do anything that will make people think they have something on you.
I made that mistake and now someone is trying to get me caught up...I can't stand when people can't keep to themselves...I mean,I tried to be cool and cool just don't work so I have to be an ass about it.
I'm stuck with where I'm at and there is no ammount of help of flights that will make me feel better or make me wanna leave my girl.
...AAAHHHHHH!!!!!
I'm just done with this shit,real talk,I'm just gonna be single again because there is way less drama that way and I don't have to deal with none of this shit...if I could I really woulda blown myself away just so I wouldn't have to duck so many people and stay low key...
I'm done with this shit...I ain't trying to lose friends over this but damn,this shit is just too damn much!
I stayed home all day by myself and tried tto sort all this out and I came to the realization that I just will never be happy,I will never get a girl that is on my level,I will never get my body to where I want it no matter how long I work out,my roomate will always be immature and eat too damn much on my dime,I will always hate school even though I'm smart as a politician,I will never fully get out of debt,and nothing will ever go my way...plain and simple.
I should really just jump off my apt. building and end it all because this shit is just too much,I can't call anyone and say "my life is fucked and I want to end it...tell me why I shouldn't...can you please come over and tell me I'm not crazy"...I don't have friends like that.
I have friends that don't know shit about me...they think everything is coo with me because I got jokes and think quick,they don't know shit about what is going on in my head sometimes I don't...I'm done...anyone that reads this,if you try to call and i don't pick up,I'm sorry...

I'm gone...

2006-01-12T23:23:55Z

With a gun in my hand/
and the barrel to my dome/
I'm leaving this world in a bloody mess/
to find love back home/
Don't worry or even feel sorry for me/
Because you didn't even really know me/
just be happy that I'm free/
and know that this is how my life was played out to be...sorry
BANG!!...

Stuck...

2006-01-11T04:46:16Z

Okay,its me again...as if anyone else writes in this thing.

Okay here's the deal,I got a lil problem,there's this girl that is giggin' at me but while her intentions are good I can't really see it going down and I don't know how to go about it...I mean she says all these nice things to me but at the same time she can do better and I feel like I'm pulling her back because when she says stuff like "I'll pay your bill"...I don't feel like I'm worth it.
I mean,I'm not the type of guy who will have someone pay for something of mine that they have nothing to do with and I just accept it and they are ass out of some money and I have an extra ammount ya dig?
I'm really just trying to keep my distance from her but at the same time she is cool peoples and funny (she needs to write it down and submit it or go to a comedy club) and I'd hate to lose a new friend.
I don't know...I'll figure something out and hopefully everything pans out correctly and both of our feelings remain intact and we make money off of our talents.
SinDiego

Another lil blurb...

2006-01-10T03:33:56Z

Okay folks,I'm back to give you a little insight into my life...or to be more specific,my love (or lack there-of) life.
As I'm sure everyone in the U.S has or at least has heard of Myspace.com,I have one (cheap plug time...myspace.com/bluelion ;)) and ever since I switched up a pic,mypage has been blowing up with random friend requests and messeges from folk as far as Boston trying to get at me and I'm stuck thinking to myself,"damn,where was all this love when I was out trying to put my own lights out?".
so I take it in stride and I know I'm not cocky or even close to feeling myself on this but when this happens I almost feel I deserve the attention because I busted my ass many-o-night trying to just get myself to this point and I am still unable to take my shirt off without looking at myself in disgust,not at how I've changed but how far I have come and STILL need to go (now you see why I am always in the gym and don't let anyone touch me J-dot-C).
When you see me you'll say I'm cool and funny but I use comedy as a protection device,as long as you are laughing you don't care how I look (I'm not ugly but I'm not top model material),and if you feel my style and start to feel me and speak nice about me I wont believe you and I'll really think your lying and want something from me.
So untill I see what you see,well to put it simply,you wont see me;thats just how it goes.

I really can't get this right so,I don't try; real talk,I love women and that will never change but I don't do well in relationships because stuff don't work out and I feel like a lot of time was wasted and I'm the only one hurt,thats no way to stumble through life.
Well I guess that's it for today...maybe,maybe not (it depends on what i'm doing 2nite)...

SinDiego

Why...

2006-01-07T11:00:31Z

Why am I still single?
Is it because I'm too picky or I'm ugly,or could it be because I have trust issues that stem back to when I was younger?
That makes no sense because I'm only 21 and I haven't had enough relationships to know what love is but I have had enough to know what hurt is...it only took one...or more,dunno I try to forget them.
I have always had my guard up to the point that I don't tell girls my real name and if they do know it they never find out my middle name unless they ask my family which they will never meet because for some reason or another they don't stick around long enough.

I don't throw BS at them,stuff just happens and we go our seperate ways...then someone else comes along thinking that we are made for each other because I'm not like other guys...there is a reason I'm not,I'm me,not them.
I was raised different,I came from an abusive household where I went to child-protective services twice before I even hit puberty,I battled weight problems (I wasn't huge but I had a lil pudge),I was violent because I was born in the ghetto and I didn't want to get beat up or clowned because I was poor.
Don't get me wrong,outside of my house I have a great family that loves me but they didn't know...and still don't know about my domestic life,its cool though...i don't want them to feel sorry for me because I have overcame all of that.
Living like that for 20 years of my life screwed with my emotions forcing me to become independent but it gets hard knowing that its just YOU and that is a cold feeling believe me.
I remember when I was in Middle school about to go to High School I thought if I had a girl by my side all the time and played sports (which led to popularity) I would feel great...it didn't,so I took it to another level and started taking out my frustrations on other students that didn't like the fact that I could attract their girlfriend and care less about them because they didn't make me happy and beat them up for stepping to close to me,that led to a reputation which kinda set my lil sisiter's High School career with boys back (which isn't a bad thing ;)).
I went through High School with popularity and the admiration of my peers but none of them knew that everyday I battled with the thought of suicide because when I saw them happy with their significant other a piece of me died wondering what was it that they had that I didn't...which led me to depression through my last months of High school (I hid it well...most of the time) and into my first few semesters into College.

While in college I couldn't focus and that made my grades suffer,I didn't care because I wanted to just run away and die,then I said f*&% it and got a job (legal one too) and decided "while I'm alive I might as well get paid",so I did and I realized that I had a knack for money,I could make it quickly with working my reg. 8 hours and drawing on the side.
For a little while things were good I got back in school and was doing my thing till I met this girl...actually she was a woman,she was 6 years my senior and I thought she was the best thing since pants with pockets,she was a manager at another shop within the same company,I thought to myself that I have been out of the dating game long enough and i should give it a shot.
So I went up to her and asked her on a date wth me (I'm not shy when I know what I want),she accepted and we did the whole date and dinner thing,I opened up a lil about myself as did she and she saw that I ws mature beyond my years and she liked that,at the end of the night we kissed and I guess she felt something because the next night after I got out of work she rented a hotel room for us,and when I arrived I knew what was gonna happen next but I didn't want to because I actually had feelings for her and I knew she was feeling me too,long story shortened,nothing (except some head) happened that night;I like to take my time with sex and I wanted her for more than that.
The next morning I had to get to work so we kissed and parted ways and I couldn't get that night out of my mind wondering if I made the right decision not doing the deed or should I have,so i called her to see how she was feeling and to see if she wanted to go steady with me...I got an answer but not what I wanted,she fed me some BS about how she has a lot of stuff going on in her life and she can't make time,I knew she was lying but I bit my tounge and let it pass...I swear you could hear my heart snap in three pieces.
I left her alone and fell back into depression and to get her outta my head I decided to get into street racing,which I did for the rush and the worst thing that could happen to me is death,so I welcomed it.
Death never came but a lot of other girls did and I didn't mind the company but I still felt empty because I knew the girls didn't want me for me and if they did...I'm sorry for my ignorance,but one day I met another girl that made me feel different,it was cool at first because she made me feel like I was worth something to someone,we would talk daily and since we went to the same school we saw each other and ate lunch between classes,I was begining to think I knew what love could be.
After a few weeks of seeing each other we stated getting serious,not like sex everyday but we would get close and when we did...lets just say that we would need extra rest before we would again :)
There was one thing that put a damper on things,when school was on break we would never see each other due to our work schedules (maybe a weekend or two) and when I was with her I felt great to the point that when I was at home by myself I would get depressed and wish she was there so I could hold her and talk,just be with someone other than my thoughts.
The longer I was away from her the more I slipped back into racing and wondering if there was something wrong with me,but people kept saying I was fine but I thought they were joking with me...so the last time I talked to her we said it couldn't work and that was that...another chapter closed,those were my last two most recent attempts and I failed,so I don't try anymore.

Now I got this new girl that is trying to see me as a friend and I don't know how to be,I just want to stay in my lil safe routine of work,home,and the gym to make all my ex's mad at what they left behind;and its worked so far,I made new friends that I can chill around that don't have to know about me all they care about is how I'm doing now,ya know?
Still,there is a part of me that longs for affection that I just can't shake but there are a lot of girls that like me (or so I'm told) but when they come close to me I'm so focused on other things or afraid of getting hurt that I play them to the left and keep my head in the clouds trying to fade away hoping they lose interest...they think I'm trying to be mysterious but I'm not...I'm running from my past so fast that I'm running back into it and I know it.

I just really need that one girl that is going to make me comfortable and is on my level,I'm not a stickler about looks or weight but you cant be huge (I see a lot of those) and they can't be dumb,I can't stand talking about tv and magazines all day...I guess those girls don't exist or am I just not meant for love and stuff like that,I just want to know why?

Till next time,
SinDiego