Why...
Why am I still single?
Is it because I'm too picky or I'm ugly,or could it be because I have trust issues that stem back to when I was younger?
That makes no sense because I'm only 21 and I haven't had enough relationships to know what love is but I have had enough to know what hurt is...it only took one...or more,dunno I try to forget them.
I have always had my guard up to the point that I don't tell girls my real name and if they do know it they never find out my middle name unless they ask my family which they will never meet because for some reason or another they don't stick around long enough.
I don't throw BS at them,stuff just happens and we go our seperate ways...then someone else comes along thinking that we are made for each other because I'm not like other guys...there is a reason I'm not,I'm me,not them.
I was raised different,I came from an abusive household where I went to child-protective services twice before I even hit puberty,I battled weight problems (I wasn't huge but I had a lil pudge),I was violent because I was born in the ghetto and I didn't want to get beat up or clowned because I was poor.
Don't get me wrong,outside of my house I have a great family that loves me but they didn't know...and still don't know about my domestic life,its cool though...i don't want them to feel sorry for me because I have overcame all of that.
Living like that for 20 years of my life screwed with my emotions forcing me to become independent but it gets hard knowing that its just YOU and that is a cold feeling believe me.
I remember when I was in Middle school about to go to High School I thought if I had a girl by my side all the time and played sports (which led to popularity) I would feel great...it didn't,so I took it to another level and started taking out my frustrations on other students that didn't like the fact that I could attract their girlfriend and care less about them because they didn't make me happy and beat them up for stepping to close to me,that led to a reputation which kinda set my lil sisiter's High School career with boys back (which isn't a bad thing ;)).
I went through High School with popularity and the admiration of my peers but none of them knew that everyday I battled with the thought of suicide because when I saw them happy with their significant other a piece of me died wondering what was it that they had that I didn't...which led me to depression through my last months of High school (I hid it well...most of the time) and into my first few semesters into College.
While in college I couldn't focus and that made my grades suffer,I didn't care because I wanted to just run away and die,then I said f*&% it and got a job (legal one too) and decided "while I'm alive I might as well get paid",so I did and I realized that I had a knack for money,I could make it quickly with working my reg. 8 hours and drawing on the side.
For a little while things were good I got back in school and was doing my thing till I met this girl...actually she was a woman,she was 6 years my senior and I thought she was the best thing since pants with pockets,she was a manager at another shop within the same company,I thought to myself that I have been out of the dating game long enough and i should give it a shot.
So I went up to her and asked her on a date wth me (I'm not shy when I know what I want),she accepted and we did the whole date and dinner thing,I opened up a lil about myself as did she and she saw that I ws mature beyond my years and she liked that,at the end of the night we kissed and I guess she felt something because the next night after I got out of work she rented a hotel room for us,and when I arrived I knew what was gonna happen next but I didn't want to because I actually had feelings for her and I knew she was feeling me too,long story shortened,nothing (except some head) happened that night;I like to take my time with sex and I wanted her for more than that.
The next morning I had to get to work so we kissed and parted ways and I couldn't get that night out of my mind wondering if I made the right decision not doing the deed or should I have,so i called her to see how she was feeling and to see if she wanted to go steady with me...I got an answer but not what I wanted,she fed me some BS about how she has a lot of stuff going on in her life and she can't make time,I knew she was lying but I bit my tounge and let it pass...I swear you could hear my heart snap in three pieces.
I left her alone and fell back into depression and to get her outta my head I decided to get into street racing,which I did for the rush and the worst thing that could happen to me is death,so I welcomed it.
Death never came but a lot of other girls did and I didn't mind the company but I still felt empty because I knew the girls didn't want me for me and if they did...I'm sorry for my ignorance,but one day I met another girl that made me feel different,it was cool at first because she made me feel like I was worth something to someone,we would talk daily and since we went to the same school we saw each other and ate lunch between classes,I was begining to think I knew what love could be.
After a few weeks of seeing each other we stated getting serious,not like sex everyday but we would get close and when we did...lets just say that we would need extra rest before we would again :)
There was one thing that put a damper on things,when school was on break we would never see each other due to our work schedules (maybe a weekend or two) and when I was with her I felt great to the point that when I was at home by myself I would get depressed and wish she was there so I could hold her and talk,just be with someone other than my thoughts.
The longer I was away from her the more I slipped back into racing and wondering if there was something wrong with me,but people kept saying I was fine but I thought they were joking with me...so the last time I talked to her we said it couldn't work and that was that...another chapter closed,those were my last two most recent attempts and I failed,so I don't try anymore.
Now I got this new girl that is trying to see me as a friend and I don't know how to be,I just want to stay in my lil safe routine of work,home,and the gym to make all my ex's mad at what they left behind;and its worked so far,I made new friends that I can chill around that don't have to know about me all they care about is how I'm doing now,ya know?
Still,there is a part of me that longs for affection that I just can't shake but there are a lot of girls that like me (or so I'm told) but when they come close to me I'm so focused on other things or afraid of getting hurt that I play them to the left and keep my head in the clouds trying to fade away hoping they lose interest...they think I'm trying to be mysterious but I'm not...I'm running from my past so fast that I'm running back into it and I know it.
I just really need that one girl that is going to make me comfortable and is on my level,I'm not a stickler about looks or weight but you cant be huge (I see a lot of those) and they can't be dumb,I can't stand talking about tv and magazines all day...I guess those girls don't exist or am I just not meant for love and stuff like that,I just want to know why?
Till next time,
SinDiego
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